There’s a vein of worthy smugness amongst people who are into polyamory; the sense that they, the enlightened few, have figured out a secret everyone else is too dim-witted to grasp.
The endless compromises and discussions of non-monogamy can end up feeling just as restrictive as monogamy, with its one easy-to-remember rule of ‘don’t fuck other people.’ If you're not careful, your 'ménage à trois' might end up more like a 'ménage à blah, blah, blah!’
This might be true if you’re in the relationship itself, but if you’re a third party then the rules become tedious: ‘We can have sex but you can’t stay over,’ ‘You can come to my flat but only on the second Thursday of the month,’ ‘We can go for breakfast or lunch, but not brunch.’
No piece of art has captured the pain of this situation better than Nina Simone’s “The Other Woman.”
If I’m fucking your partner, I would rather our interactions were kept to a minimum. In a New Statesman article on the subject, Laurie Penny writes that polyamory means "sharing Google calendars to make sure nobody feels neglected." While that does sound both erotic and very fun, I don’t want to have to open a spreadsheet every time I feel like getting my dick wet. Please never send me a Google doc invitation.
And so anything that is going to threaten our marriage has to go.
Palmer
And any time something comes in to threaten our marriage, whether it's a breaking of trust, or a person who's slightly too crazy, or this that or the other thing. It's difficult but we have to sit there and talk about it, sort it and deal with it. And we deal with that — the same way people in "more normal" monogamous marriages, deal with all the shit they have to deal with. ... So a lot of it is the same set of issues, you just stick a different frame around it.
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