“You’ve obviously given the matter a lot of thought and it’s been interesting to hear your views.”
piątek, 6 grudnia 2019
How Much Should You Disclose to Someone New?
The authors of First Impressions use the analogy of a game of strip poker: you don’t want to be sitting there naked, while everyone else is fully clothed.
The next two principles below will help you understand how to go about keeping your rate of disclosure symmetrical.
Gradually Deepen the Conversation in Stages
In Conversationally Speaking, communications expert Alan Garner delineates the 4 stages through which a conversation proceeds and becomes more meaningful and significant:
- Clichés. These are the little rituals of sociality that mean little, but open up interactions: “Hi, how are you?” and “Nice to meet you.”
- Facts. After the opening salvos have been launched, people exchange basic information. Where they’re from. What they do for work. As Garner notes, at this stage, “Each person tries to find out whether there is enough to share to make a relationship worthwhile.”
- Opinions. Once folks have gotten to know each other a bit, they begin to introduce their views on current events, sports, money, love, etc.
- Feelings. “Feelings differ from facts and opinions,” Garner says, “in that they go beyond describing what happened and how you view what happened and convey your emotional reaction to what happened.” Just sharing facts and opinions keeps the conversation relatively shallow and dry; feelings reveal your heart — and that’s what really gets people interested and intrigued.
Feelings may be conversation’s most potent hook, but you don’t want to skip right into sharing them; doing so generally shows a lack of self-awareness, and provokes a “Whoa! Easy there fella!” response from the other person. Rather, you should proceed through each of these stages gradually, building an on-ramp from more shallow small talk to deeper conversation. Move topics from mild to strong, lighter to heavier, neutral to charged.
Efficiently conveying information to a group of people
S.M.E.A.C.
Ah, S.M.E.A.C.—a part of our family lexicon once again borrowed from the Marine Corps.
What is S.M.E.A.C.? It’s an easy, intuitive mental framework for efficiently conveying information to a group of people about an upcoming task. Once you’ve used it a few times, it comes naturally, and gives you a great mental checklist to ensure that no planning essentials get missed. S.M.E.A.C. stands for:
Situation—We’ve got to prepare a sales proposal for a new prospect at short notice.
Mission—To ensure that the plan that we prepare wins us the sale. (In the Corps, this also includes “Commander’s Intent”: this is especially important, because if everyone knows the overall mission—as opposed to just “do this by then”—then there is scope for individual judgment and initiative if the situation changes.)
Execution—Tom will gather data about the prospect’s formal requirements; Frances will gather information about who will be judging the proposal; John will be responsible for doing the graphical aspects of the presentation; we will then gather and do a first draft three days before the presentation is due.
Administration and Logistics (a.k.a. Bullets, Beans, and Band Aids)—What we’ll need to get the job done—We’re assembling in Tom’s offices next Tuesday at 9 A.M.; Frances is responsible for providing the laptop, dry erase board and pens for brainstorming; John is bringing the coffee. Keep receipts for any expenses incurred, as the client says that they will reimburse these if we file them following the presentation.
Communication—This is how we are going to stay in touch while executing the mission. E.g., any problems before Tuesday, use e-mail; if anyone gets held up on the day, give the rest of the team a call.
Ah, S.M.E.A.C.—a part of our family lexicon once again borrowed from the Marine Corps.
What is S.M.E.A.C.? It’s an easy, intuitive mental framework for efficiently conveying information to a group of people about an upcoming task. Once you’ve used it a few times, it comes naturally, and gives you a great mental checklist to ensure that no planning essentials get missed. S.M.E.A.C. stands for:
Situation—We’ve got to prepare a sales proposal for a new prospect at short notice.
Mission—To ensure that the plan that we prepare wins us the sale. (In the Corps, this also includes “Commander’s Intent”: this is especially important, because if everyone knows the overall mission—as opposed to just “do this by then”—then there is scope for individual judgment and initiative if the situation changes.)
Execution—Tom will gather data about the prospect’s formal requirements; Frances will gather information about who will be judging the proposal; John will be responsible for doing the graphical aspects of the presentation; we will then gather and do a first draft three days before the presentation is due.
Administration and Logistics (a.k.a. Bullets, Beans, and Band Aids)—What we’ll need to get the job done—We’re assembling in Tom’s offices next Tuesday at 9 A.M.; Frances is responsible for providing the laptop, dry erase board and pens for brainstorming; John is bringing the coffee. Keep receipts for any expenses incurred, as the client says that they will reimburse these if we file them following the presentation.
Communication—This is how we are going to stay in touch while executing the mission. E.g., any problems before Tuesday, use e-mail; if anyone gets held up on the day, give the rest of the team a call.
THE NO TO PHONY STORYTELLING
How often are our choices planned by people who are themselves unhappy, sick, worried about their debts, unhappy in their marriages, or unhappy in their jobs? Should we let these people tell us what should we do with our lives? Impose their stories on us? Are they right about us even though they are wrong about themselves?
I don’t want to waste my time getting angry or arguing with people. Or trying to convince people they are wrong about their plans for me. None of that is fun. I just choose not to listen to them. It’s a big world. When one door shuts, ten more doors open. When one person hates me because I won’t do what he or she thinks is right, I have another seven billion people I can choose from to pick as people I want to be around.
People (including me in the past) instinctively follow what has been imposed on them by institutions, parents, colleagues, schools, culture, false anger and dreams, and on and on. But each of us is unique, and we have our own path, regardless of the paths of others. You have to find your uniqueness.
I want to do what makes me feel at peace. Even if it means sometimes saying no to everyone I love. To all of the stories they tell.
Because that’s proof that I love myself.
I don’t want to waste my time getting angry or arguing with people. Or trying to convince people they are wrong about their plans for me. None of that is fun. I just choose not to listen to them. It’s a big world. When one door shuts, ten more doors open. When one person hates me because I won’t do what he or she thinks is right, I have another seven billion people I can choose from to pick as people I want to be around.
People (including me in the past) instinctively follow what has been imposed on them by institutions, parents, colleagues, schools, culture, false anger and dreams, and on and on. But each of us is unique, and we have our own path, regardless of the paths of others. You have to find your uniqueness.
I want to do what makes me feel at peace. Even if it means sometimes saying no to everyone I love. To all of the stories they tell.
Because that’s proof that I love myself.
Enough instead of jealousy
There’s a story about Joseph Heller, the author of Catch-22, finding himself at a party made up of a bunch of Wall Street hedge-fund managers. A man comes up to him and points to a young guy in his 20s. The man says, “See that guy over there? He made more money last year than you will make in a lifetime of writing your books.”
Heller turns to the man and says, “I have one thing that he will never have.”
The man laughs and says, “What?”
Heller says, “Enough.”
Heller turns to the man and says, “I have one thing that he will never have.”
The man laughs and says, “What?”
Heller says, “Enough.”
Rejection
But I now know three things:
1. If he doesn’t mean it the first time, he doesn’t mean it at all. Period.
2. To attract the coolest man, I had to become the coolest woman—and this is not just in love; it is in every aspect of life.
3. To become the coolest woman, I had to realize I was worth it, uncover my own creative talent, and use it.
The death I needed was to realize that I am not in control of anything, especially when it comes to relationships. I can’t control a man any more than I can control what my brother will say or do, or what my now husband will publish on Facebook (James: well, she can occasionally control that). Or what a boss will do. Or what a bank will do. And on and on, all the myths we fight for fruitlessly.
The death I needed was to say no to my relentless obsession to orchestrate every relationship.
I then addressed God and all the people present and told them that I was ready for a real relationship, one in which we would love, honor, and respect each other, one in which man and woman would be joined by a power greater than ourselves and in the service of that power.
I said I was ready for a relationship in which both parties would protect and love each other, but also protect and help the world in any way we were guided to.
I told the group that with those words I was also letting go of any attachment to results, that I was open to whatever the universe might send; I just wanted to say it out loud, to all of them, so they would be witnesses to my sending of a clear message.
Let a higher power play into our love and offer our love to it.
Group gathering
When the groundwork is done, when we ask for help, when we surround ourselves with those who will respect our time to speak up and hear what we need to share, we are let in on a huge and powerful secret: we reach God much more easily through other people’s ears.
Once you have one friend or a group of people with whom you feel safe, try it. Tell the people in front of you that you would like to ask God for something, and that even though it may sound strange, you want them to bear witness to your clear desire to manifest something in your life. Tell them you have chosen them because you know you can trust them.
Then say it out loud: “I am ready for this (say what you want). I want to manifest it in my life, and my friend is a witness that I am inviting this energy in. Thank you.”
Thank your friend(s) or support group for participating in your ritual. Let it go. Be present. Witness the circumstances of your life as they develop over the next few weeks. Open yourself to life and see what happens.
Surrender to the words you said. They are out there now, bringing opportunities to you. Say yes to those opportunities because now you are ready.
1. If he doesn’t mean it the first time, he doesn’t mean it at all. Period.
2. To attract the coolest man, I had to become the coolest woman—and this is not just in love; it is in every aspect of life.
3. To become the coolest woman, I had to realize I was worth it, uncover my own creative talent, and use it.
The death I needed was to realize that I am not in control of anything, especially when it comes to relationships. I can’t control a man any more than I can control what my brother will say or do, or what my now husband will publish on Facebook (James: well, she can occasionally control that). Or what a boss will do. Or what a bank will do. And on and on, all the myths we fight for fruitlessly.
The death I needed was to say no to my relentless obsession to orchestrate every relationship.
I then addressed God and all the people present and told them that I was ready for a real relationship, one in which we would love, honor, and respect each other, one in which man and woman would be joined by a power greater than ourselves and in the service of that power.
I said I was ready for a relationship in which both parties would protect and love each other, but also protect and help the world in any way we were guided to.
I told the group that with those words I was also letting go of any attachment to results, that I was open to whatever the universe might send; I just wanted to say it out loud, to all of them, so they would be witnesses to my sending of a clear message.
Let a higher power play into our love and offer our love to it.
Group gathering
When the groundwork is done, when we ask for help, when we surround ourselves with those who will respect our time to speak up and hear what we need to share, we are let in on a huge and powerful secret: we reach God much more easily through other people’s ears.
Once you have one friend or a group of people with whom you feel safe, try it. Tell the people in front of you that you would like to ask God for something, and that even though it may sound strange, you want them to bear witness to your clear desire to manifest something in your life. Tell them you have chosen them because you know you can trust them.
Then say it out loud: “I am ready for this (say what you want). I want to manifest it in my life, and my friend is a witness that I am inviting this energy in. Thank you.”
Thank your friend(s) or support group for participating in your ritual. Let it go. Be present. Witness the circumstances of your life as they develop over the next few weeks. Open yourself to life and see what happens.
Surrender to the words you said. They are out there now, bringing opportunities to you. Say yes to those opportunities because now you are ready.
środa, 4 grudnia 2019
BOND
“I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.”― Rainer Maria Rilke
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