Fifteen Ways to Heat Up Your Marriage

Fifteen Ways to Heat Up Your Marriage

The mystery is gone, you say? Well, perhaps the challenge of the chase is over, but what’s more challenging than sustaining sexual intensity with the woman whose toothbrush drips dry each morning next to yours? Here are some suggestions to help wake up your sex life:
1. Indulge…yourself! Read erotica, watch porn, masturbate. Fantasize. Undress the pretty girls on the bus. Fixate on that FedEx woman who dashes into your office every morning. Like any other talent, without exercise your libido will atrophy.
2. Take responsibility for yourself. Remember when your sexuality was yours alone—and not marital property? Regardless of your marriage vows, your girlfriend is not in charge of your inner life or who you dream about when you pleasure yourself.
3. Take a vacation together. Send the kids to your favorite PFLAG mom. Leave town. Don’t take your dog. Or stay at home—no phone, no TV, no car, no shopping.
4. Tell each other a story. The most outrageous fantasy I ever had…. Then make it true.
5. Take your girlfriend sex toy shopping—online or at your favorite sex toy boutique. Giggle. Be embarrassed together. Not interested in toys? Browse the DVD section instead.
6. Use lube. Lots of lube.
7. Stop being lazy about sex.You’ve probably been getting each other off the same way for years. You touch her; she touches you. You lick her; she licks you. Your fist goes in her vagina; her dildo goes in your anus. Over and over, year after year. Even a great program loses something in reruns. Next time you hop in the sack, declare your usual sexual activities off-limits. Unplug that tired old toy—or get a new one.
8. Try something different. If your sex play is exclusively genitally focused, take turns giving each other full-body massages. Try this exercise: Sit facing each other on the bed. Breathe in synch. Run your fingers along her face and neck. Or caress her hands. When was the last time you attended to your partner’s body nonsexually? Describe what you’re seeing and feeling. Offer her your appreciation. Take turns.
9. Switch. After all these years of being the top, have you secretly wanted to throw your heels in the air? Or have you nurtured a secret fantasy of giving your aggressive girlfriend a taste of her own medicine? ‘Fess up, now!
10. Talk—to your partner. Sure, your best friend can recite your marital disappointments blow for blow. But have you talked with your partner about your sexual frustrations? Are you afraid that if you tell her your complaints, she’ll tell you hers, and you’ll realize you’re not so happy after all, and soon you’ll be down $90 a week for couples counseling—forget that trip to London—and besides, you’ll just break up anyway…. Whew! Talk to your partner;tell her your erotic hopes and dreams.
11. Speak in positives; don’t dump. Unless you’ve negotiated a humiliation scene, telling your lover of six years that she bores you is not likely to improve your sex life! Remind her how much you love her.Tell her you’d like to have the sex life of your dreams—with her. Be specific. Know what you want and ask for it. (See chapter 7, Communication and Finding Sex Partners, for hints.)
12. Don’t assume you know what she likes, either. Ask. Then listen.
13. Be blissfully wedded…novices. Pick a sexual activity neither of you has ever done—and do it. Never played with anal beads? Rope bondage? Attended a live erotic performance? Have you thought of cross-dressing?
14. Find a role model. Whether in a self-help book or on your dyke rugby team, find someone who’s in an intimate relationship and has hot sex. Get details!
15. Face your demons. Bet this isn’t the first time your desire has fizzled out on a lover. If so, you’re not alone! Many people find intimate relationships daunting. Why does closeness snuff out your desire? Why do you want to bolt before the ink is dry on the rental agreement? Finding the answers will require some soul-searching, and maybe some help. Do you want an intimate sex life—really? You may have to work very hard to achieve that, but the results can pay off, big-time.

So, if it’s possible to maintain a vibrant partnered sex life, how do you do it?
You make it happen. You bring intention (followed by action) to your sex life. You replace resignation (“We’ve been together ten years—we’re lucky we have sex once a month”) with curiosity (“What would it be like if we decided to have sex twice a month?”). You prioritize your shared erotic life with your partner—with each of your partners, if you have more than one. And you define what that means, which will be particular to each partnership.
That means doing some work.

erotic equation, which summarizes a reality we’ve all experienced:
ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT