Success

Life is a constant balance between giving into the ease of distraction or overcoming the pain of discipline. It is not an exaggeration to say that our lives and our identities are defined in this delicate balance. What is life, if not the sum of a hundred thousand daily battles and tiny decisions to either gut it out or give it up?

This is shit, swim in it anyways

But you, you're so busy thinking about the future, you don't take any pride in the tasks you're given right now. You just phone it all in, cash your paycheck and dream of some higher station in life. Or you think this is just a job,it isn't who I am, it doesn't matter.
Foolishness.
Everything we do matters - whether it's making smoothies while you save up money or studying for the bar - even after you already achieved the success you sought. Everything is a chance to do and be your best. Only self-absorbed assholes think they are too good for whatever their current situation requires.
Each project matters and the only degrading part is giving less than one is capable of giving.

Pain of not doing is greater than the pain of doing

First date obsession is not real

Here’s what I realized in that pivotal moment: If you’ve gone on only a few dates (or in my case one date) with a person and you catch feelings, those feelings aren’t real, girl. They are shadows of the feelings you’re desperate to have, and thus, have projected onto this (very attractive) stranger.

I was lonely in those days. I didn’t realize how lonely and how bored I was in my dating drought. So when someone came along who was sexy and single and a semi-smart, all the longing that was stewing inside of my body waiting to be set free wrapped its arms around her. And it clung fiercely to her, because pent up desire doesn’t like living alone. But pent up desire has low standards; it will attach itself to almost anyone.

And I am more than my desire. You are more than your desire.

Daddy energy

“A daddy is a badass woman who will take care of you. She has her shit together. She knows how to do grownup shit, like make reservations. She’s good in bed. She has sophisticated taste in restaurants. She’ll order you a car home. She’s the opposite of a fuckboy.”

I sank into my seat and took in J’s daddy description. “Where do I sign up?” I asked, eagerly. I could feel my eyes glimmering from all the raw excitement swishing through my system.

“You need to change your taste in women. Your mindset. You won’t draw in daddies if you continue to radiate fuckboy energy.”

Chasing straight chicks

In my life as a gay/queer/whatever-you-want-to-call-me woman, I’ve spent a lot of time chasing straight chicks. I spent the longest time on H. That felt like a real relationship, even though we never labeled it. And then there have been all the straight women before and after and in between who I’ve spent hours and days and months fantasizing about. 

I say I’ve spent my hope on the straight chicks I’ve chased, but I question the authenticity of my hope. Because what have I really wanted? I haven’t wanted them. I’ve wanted the great comfort of running in circles. I’ve wanted only the chase. 

With some of them, I’ve lived entire lifetimes in my head. We’ve moved to France and San Francisco and maybe the Maldives. We’ve had the best lives. It’s been perfect, because that’s how things are when they’re not allowed to be real. 

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