Network i Van Gogh

Małe mieszkanie

Berlin poem

Dear Berlin,

I am tired of living this life that I have led for one year since I tried to make you my home once again
I am tired of eating microwave food when I do, however most days I don’t eat anything. I feel too tired to.
I am tired of living in my own chaos in a flat too big and too expensive for one person,
I mean, it’s been a life experience to become your regular micromanaging real estate agent and have people move in and out of this house at least 22 times in the last 10 months
But I’m tired of wasting my time, my sleep and what’s left of my youth struggling
To pay the rent, pay the most expensive health insurance I’ve ever laid eyes upon, pay a strange tax for a TV I never use
To look for something to work every other month, or every other week or two
That leaves me so little mindful energy to look for something to do that I’d actually enjoy pursuing
What about therapy – well, let me tell you the truth about therapy here – I have never felt lonelier than the day my therapist told me
Lady, you have around 2% chances to find someone fit for you, like a partner, or a boyfriend
Is that your personal opinion or did you make a statistic, I had to ask. She laughed unwillingly
To serve me more motivation.
It didn’t go very well, in all fairness
Although, I have tried, here and there, to lose and find myself in this illusion
This B movie
Maybe we’ve all been there, I don’t know. I just find no one to be completely happy with themselves in this city
Berlin is like Tinder
A procrastination app,
Swipe right to this party, swipe left to all these people
Keep looking for yourself, farther from yourself than you’ve ever been, miles and miles of disconnection
You don’t have to take many drugs or do a lot of whack shit to feel like you’re deteriorating
As a human being.
Sure, it’s all about freedom, I like to say freedom from pain
But I don’t think I’ve had as many nervous breakdowns this year, here
As I’ve had across my twenties.
I am tired of being poor
Lost
Hectic
And emotionally imbalanced
And then again, I still do it. I still try to
Because I’ve lost the notion of home.
You’ve been a nice, romanticized view three years ago, as my plane landed on one of your airports
And mazzy star was singing in my ears,
I’ve tried to take care of that memory
Curate it
Turn it around
Grow with it
But I’m not sure you are for me
Good for me, positively, have I outgrown you?

So should I
Stay or should I
Sail away?

LE: Thank you everyone who has commented, even sarcastic ones (I don’t feel attacked). To answer some of the questions here, I moved 3 years ago initially with a huge and very fulfilling project – I’ve worked as a publisher/editorial manager, and that has been my career for the most of my life. The second time around, I tried a “pack your stuff and do a sabbatical” kind of move. It didn’t turn out super practical as I was also facing many personal demons (which I still am – who doesn’t?) and that prevented me, on the flip side, from managing to do things as I used to in the last 10 years. This city has been a slap in the face without the proverbial pep talk, I still haven’t made it back to an industry job or found a cohesive work situation to make ends meet sustainably, so, even if I stick to making my artwork and trialing many different options, it’s not easy, not easy at all. In one year I went through two break-ups, many missed work opportunities, had a friend in my home town who died recently, saw many previous life connections downright fail and dealt with so many rejections that I got to question my sanity/talents/ability to deal with adversity.
I will probably keep pushing for another year and get into a Master’s again here - if nothing sticks, I’ll try to pursue a traditional agency job in a different European city. If someone wants to hire me/send me leads, there is some excellency left in the back of my left brain. In my work, I like to tell people “don’t quit your story, tell your story”. I hope everyone finds what they need here or elsewhere. Best of everything.

COmment: 

I love that. I am on the same page. Berlin is such a transitional city, and is quite difficult that it becomes your home. That you settle and find someone; as every people come here knowing they will be here only 3 years. So everyone is so “free”. But freedom is not all!

Hang on in there! If you would like to have a friend to chat, you are welcome to send me a message any time. We can be friends and not “transitional” friends!

Comment: You can answer the question yourself. Do you like Berlin?

Yes? Stay.
No? Go.
Berlin is not at fault for your employment issues. 
Berlin is not at fault for your lack of a romantic partner.
Berlin is not at fault when you procrastinate, take an expensive apartment, or eat a microwave dinner. The only being with power to change any of this is you -- and as long as you blame the city, things will probably not change for you.

3. Berlin doesn't care if you are here or not. Berlin is exactly what you force it to give you.

There are places that need you, that embrace you. Berlin is a beautiful cold Merlene Dietrich, who blows a puff of smoke in your face, and asks, is that all you got?

But remember, wherever you go, you take yourself with you. I suspect most of your problems with the city, with men, with roommates originate inside you. Moving isn't gonna be a magic cure.

4. Well, as opposed to lots of comments I've seen here, I can certainly affirm that a place can shape what you do, are and become. To what extent it could even shape you at the core is partly a matter of personal choice (as in Vista), but it does; and some places might make that job more or less of a struggle. I always have to smirk at that neo-liberalistic idea, that one is the "master" of its life, that ALL that happens to you is in your hands solely.. and my answer always is "hum.. tell that to a kid who was born in Aleppo recently, I'm sure he ll appreciate your insight" ; or, without taking such a dramatic exemple, it would be simply deniying the fact that such thing as "Culture" exists... If places even shape people's bodies and genetics overtime, how wouldn't they influence your life as you go..? Let go Ego... ^-.

However, one thing is true: if we aren't guilty of what happens to us, we most definitely are responsible for our lives - it's actually more of a good than a bad news.
Berlin's ground, soil, was swamps originally.. (never forget that..). And I do believe, the way, grounds on which things, a story starts, will always taint any of the following.. Fact is that this city has no solid ground.., be it due to its history within the country's history - berlin never kept the same status for very long in the past 100 y and more. The positive aspect is its certain movability; the negative, that there are no reference points, no steadiness, nothing to hold on to... and, just like any other animal, we are habit-animals, we need some things to be solid; and the political choices since 89 haven't been very smart to say the least — everything went to fast here, the governement had no interest in keeping this city the playground it was, Germany is leading when it comes to applying neo-liberalistic views.. they actually never wanted to, they just had no choice and means for quite some time, couldn't be picky, it was all ruins..Punks and deserters rebuild the city.. (don't forget that German's main quality is pragmatism...^-).., and that time, those past decades in which thing unfold, could already be someones lifetime (that's how short our lives are).
If other cities such as Paris or NYC are hard ones for sure, they are for other reasons. At least they are straightforward: you know it won't be easy to settle. Berlin offers a lot of illusions, people (funnily still!) believe it's an eldorado.. But people always seem to forget that even if big cities are mostly not what the rest of the country is, they actually still are comprised in countries with a particular way of shaping life, a system — and germany isn't a "cool" place... ooh no...it isn't.
So people pour in day in day out, and they all come here with the same wish: revealing, accomplishing themselves.. fair enough, nothing to be reproachable about that on an individual scale.. but the amount, the concentration is far too big for this place to be healthy: it's filled with (more or less entertaining) narcissists. Everyone wants to "be" an artist.., if only they'd stick to being creative..
Ergo: Berlin is like a huge central train station, people come and go, they never know how long they'll stay, it's filled with stops and gos, filled with people with illusions, disillusions, hopes, they are here to *take* more than to *give*, and this is how it's definitely not the best or easiest place to *build* something...; and quickly rises that sense of abandonment, as your partner in crimes, favorite places but even simply your next door cobbler or supermarket could snap between your fingers and vanish into thin air overnight. Like a narcissistic pervert, people would keep talking about the city while it's "not there".. why they are there, why they came, for how long.. people talk an talk and talk about it like no one does in no other city. Berlin is the place where you'd be nostalgic of what was 3 months ago. It isn't "easy". underneath a glittery varnish, it's a cold hard ass unreliable bitch. But it's also an ill-loved one.

(and now I have to laugh.... hard..!)

So, as to some sort of advice to you...: maybe ask yourself what you can give to the city, as opposed to what it could give you... I'm not saying you already didn't; but maybe it's a change of paradigm, that could help you find the answer.